The Moose Update
Brought to you by the unceasing efforts of the Annandale Center for Advanced Moose Studies (ACAMS). ACAMS is dedicated to the capture and study of the Dreaded Evil Anti-Moose, a creature that is known to have originated in Hyattsville, Maryland, a location renowned for the isolated spawning fields of the Anti-Moose. He has, since 1985, roamed the forests of Northern Virginia, startling residents by peering into bathroom windows and making odd faces. The Dreaded Evil Anti-Moose is still at large in the wilds of Northern Virginia. Do not under any circumstances attempt to capture the beast, trap it, or invite it in for dinner. The Anti-Moose has no manners, no qualms about trampling your pets, and does not own any good shoes.
March 24, Annandale- Tragedy befell ACAMS (Annandale Center for Advanced Moose Studies) last Friday when Project Head Victor Von What was found naked and shivering outside of the popular Fudruckers restaurant in downtown Annandale. Dr. What was immediately rushed to Fairfax Hospital, but three hours after his admittance, several ACAMS staff members arrived and brought him to ACAMS medical facilities.
While Dr. What has not been seen since then, a statement released by ACAMS, attributed to Dr. What said:
"I deeply regret my behavior last Friday night. My zeal to capture the Dreaded Evil Anti-Moose led me astray. I pledge that I will never again repeat this unfortunate behavior, and also that the Anti-Moose will soon be caught."
Most observers doubt the veracity of this statement. Dr. What reportedly was mumbling the letters "D E" Friday night; the meaning of these letters has yet to be determined, although rumors exist that these letters are the initials of a scientist who was released from ACAMS in the late 1980s. When questioned about these letters, ACAMS officials would only reply "no comment."
Some speculate that Dr. What himself encountered the Anti-Moose and tried to capture it. This has led to fears that the Anti-Moose is even more powerful than suspected. Nevertheless, ACAMS officials continue to downplay the significance of these events. They also deny the report that the Anti-Moose is a representative of an alien race that abducts people and examines their hair, possibly as raw materials for antlers.
There's No Business Like...
Media Mogul W. Wesley Muckenfuss announced in January the formation of yet another television network. At his press conference, held at the Annandale Press Club, this network would "compete directly with such channels as the one where the guy with the woman's glasses sews up quilts and stuff."
Why do we mention this almost routine annoucement here in the Moose Update? It seems that Muckenfuss is staking the future of his new network on one show, based on a character that has been the center of debate in Annandale for several years now - The Dreaded Evil Anti-Moose. The Annandale Broadcasting Service (ABS) will go on the air on February 1, 1997 with the one-hour premiere of "A Farewell to Antlers," a sitcom based on the exploits of Anti-Moose Hunters in the wilds of Northern Virginia. Some tabloids have maintained that the moose itself actually makes an appearance in the premiere episode, but this seems unlikely due to the ferocious nature of the beast. However, our source in ACAMS reports that the moose is entirely capable of dealing with profit participation and residual negotiations.
Lame Moose Politics
During the week of August 14, Sen. Bill Bradley (D - New Jersey) announced that he would not run for a fourth term. Politicians, journalists, and others have speculated as to the reason why Bradley decided not to run again. While many believe that he is thinking about running for president in 1996, unconfirmed reports indicate that the senator recently had a personal encounter with the Dreaded Evil Anti Moose, somewhere along the George Washington Parkway, possibly near Fort Hunt Park. The senator is believed to have said that, after this encounter, he wished to "get out of D. C. as fast as I can, and never come back!" Bradley could not be reached for comment.
ACAMS (the Annandale Center for Advanced Moose Studies) has issued a press release stating that it does not believe the story, but said if the Anti Moose is not soon captured, serious and dangerous events could occur.
Despite this release, many on the Hill are convinced that Bradley did indeed encounter the creature, and some wish to take action. Senators Paul Sarbaines (D - Maryland), Charles Robb (D - Virginia), and Charles Warner (R - Virginia) have expressed interest in a bill creating a commission to investigate this phenomenon, but Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (R-Georgia) has claimed that this would be more "wasteful, liberal Democratic spending," not in line with the conservative revolution. Nevertheless, ACAMS projecthead Dr. Victor Von What expressed his belief that the Anti Moose will soon be captured, and that life in the Washington Metropolitan area will return to normal.
In a related story, on the same day that reports surfaced about Bradley's alleged encounter with the Anti Moose, the Annandale Chamber of commerce received a letter from a source identified only as "D. E." The letter included a picture of Bradley's news conference, and a message which read, "See now what ACAMS has wrought!!!"
When questioned about this, Dr. Victor Von What and Dr. Miles Megalac, both visibly shaken, stated that they did not know the meaning of this, but vowed that they would "get to the bottom of this!"
Antlergate: The Moose Coverup
Recent allegations of misconduct among ACAMS staff has created an turbulent atmosphere at this Annandale Think Tank. Many rumors have surfaced accusing ACAMS of creating the actual beast they now hunt. Documents have been discovered which show research in the mid-80s into a "super-moose." The project, code-named "Bullwinkle," was headed by Dr. Victor Von What, who remains an ACAMS Project Head to this very day. Dr. What could not be reached for comment, and a spokesman quotes ACAMS Director Dr. Miles Megalac as saying the documents, which were found in a bottle that washed up in the Chesapeake Bay, were falsified and entirely untrue. This story is sure to continue to evolve, and we will bring you constant updates as news breaks.
Meanwhile, the evil creature has still not been found, although sightings have been reported from as far south as Dale City. A reminder: do not approach the Dreaded Evil Anti-Moose. It does not like humidity, and may be in a very bad temper due to the weather.
Instant Celebrity
Moose Mania has hit the Northern Virginia area as the news media begins blanket coverage of the search for the Dreaded Evil Anti-Moose. Moose images have popped up on every imaginable product from toothbrushes to breakfast cereal. Washington Metropolitan Area Chevy Dealers have joined the bandwagon by hiring local moose impersonators to appear in advertisements for their trucks: "Built Moose Tough."
ACAMS Director Dr. Miles Megalac continues to espouse his anti-Anti-Moose views, worried that "citizens may be misled by the sudden interest in the Anti-Moose, underestimating the actual danger posed by this terrifying beast."
Local media charge that Dr. Megalac has, in reality, inflated the situation in order to secure more air time, and therefore more fame and endorsement offers for himself.
This forum, however, will continue to be vigilant and warn all citizens of the danger posed by the continuing Anti-Moose situation.
Citizen Action Groups
Citizens of Annandale, tired of being cowed by the constant moose threat, established a model moose program this week. The Moose Watch program creates a safe zone in Annandale's residential neighborhoods which are policed by neighbors banding together to protect their families and property from this evil threat. Signs such as this one are going up everywhere, a campaign spear-headed by local resident Kurt Collins. Trained Mooseologists, however, warn that the advent of these groups could mean further vigilante activity.
"These people don't know what they're up against," said ACAMS Director Dr. Miles Megalac. "The Anti-Moose is not an ordinary animal. It has cunning far above those of ordinary ornithoids. Untrained individuals should not try to get near him, rather, they should immediately call ACAMS for assistance."
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